18th July 2004 vs Wootton & Boars Hill

Lost

Wootton & Boars Hill batted first and scored 236-5

Eynsham replied with 'somewhere around' 170

Scorecard

Match Report (written on the TGV)

Playing 2 villages at once seems a bit risky, as our Sunday heroes are having trouble beating 1 village this season ever since their April victory over Wytham. John W. arrives at the ground and is given the usual 5 minutes’ notice that he is captain “I thought it was just a rumour” he says – for an unprecedented second time this year – and promptly goes off to lose the toss. We are fielding, as usual. “Never mind, we’ve got at least 6 front-line bowlers” boasts our skipper, causing Professor Griffin (returning to our ranks after a long absence caused either by malaria or a spell canvassing for election as the next Pope, it is not clear which) to enquire what constitutes an Eynsham Sunday back-line bowler. This rather caustic enquiry leads to a headcount, which reveals that we are One Man Short – evidently young Ben Glastonbury has not yet returned from the festival.

Undeterred, we march out. The opening batsmen look a serious pair, and, it turns out, play a serious game. One of them, we are told, is a rather rare breed in the OCA, a hired professional from Australia. This raises several moral and practical issues (morally, we think it’s wrong; practically, we couldn’t afford one anyway). There is usually a slightly unreal atmosphere at the start of a game, before the first wicket falls; but in this case it is quickly blown away. Gully & Solley open up, and within 4 overs we have leaked 33 runs. Streuth, as you might say, is this Ricky Ponting’s younger brother? It would appear so, for although the scoring rate reduces a tad, the Antipodean flicks, drives, cuts and pulls pretty much at will. To try & counter this, the skipper appoints Els as Field Manager, and fielders are shifted around every other ball in a feeble attempt to hide our lack of an eleventh man (or is this an early try at time-wasting?). The fielders are certainly trying to impress the Field Manager – even the skipper is seen snapping like an alligator at a fierce hook, but a split-second behind the ball, regrettably, and Ben essays a swallow dive that would not be out of place in Witney Pool, scoring a direct hit on the ball. Nigel & Micky are rock-steady in the deep. There is a bit of luck favouring the batsmen, but no clear chances.

And no breakthrough, either. Adam pins them back to under 4 an over, Gully so nearly gets one under the bat, and Dave Harris bowls what will turn out to be the only maiden of the innings, but otherwise the dour pair continue to grind our noses into the dust up to & beyond the drinks break. Finally Ben bowls the Aussie with a beaut (as I believe they cal them “down under”): we have a wicket, and they have a mere 142 on the board. Adam immediately bowls the new batsman, and then Martin & Gareth combine to pick up two wickets (a neat stumping and a catch that is rescued after looking to go over the top of the keeper’s head) to pin them back to 188-4. But still we are not rid of the second opener until Adam, in his second spell, fires down a yorker & smashes his stumps for 100. Micky also picks up a wicket to compensate him for some cruel treatment earlier. The scoring rate subsides until a boy who looks no more than 10 induces Adam to bowl in his rarely-seen (for reasons you will deduce for yourselves, I suspect) flighted style and very rudely, smacks him for 2 fours in the last over before tea. One or two of the team giggle (most inappropriately, in my view) at this rather disrespectful treatment. I think it is at this point that Adam decides we shall not lose this game under any circumstances.

So Wooton & B. Hill close at 236 for 5. “I fancy chasing that,” says the skipper as he bites into a stuffed olive – yes, the Hills tea is seriously classy. Perhaps he’s encouraged by the sudden arrival of Andy Mac, summoned by his partner (Gretel:“Aren’t you supposed to be playing cricket instead of lounging about at work?” – Macca: “Like, er, what??”). He attempts to barter me down to half-price for the tea, but rules are rules……..

Alas, our skipper’s confidence is not borne out by the events of the first few overs. At first, Lady Luck shines on us as he opens his account with a lusty pull and then, for the first time in ten years (he tells me later) he is dropped at mid-wicket. But, at the other end, the gadget on Els’ bat which is designed to give him an electric shock if he tries to cut a ball that’s too wide fails, and he is caught behind. The bowlers, including the ever-present Aussie, pin us back. Then…controversy! The skipper is bowled on the third bounce but a no-ball is not called; and Nigel, who has oozed class and hit a beautiful straight six, is “bowled” by the 10-year old (actually Els raises his hand for another no-ball, but this is not spotted by the umpire at the bowler’s end, and Nigel trudges off muttering some papal incantation or other………I think I may be down for some extra millennia in Purgatory.

Gareth enters with confidence, and moves swiftly to 13. At this point Adam advises him to “just get some batting practice”, realizing victory is impossible, and starts to dig in himself. Gareth’s response is to practise a huge hoick over long-on, and is unfortunately bowled. Apart from this, Wooton & B. Hill appear to be making no attempt either to bowl us out or tempt us to try for the target. Andy Mac tries to lose the ball in a vain attempt to finish the game; when this doesn’t work, having scored a fairly effortless 25, he simply walks off. A full account of his reasons for doing so would shock young children and others of an upsettable nature who might stray upon this account, so I shall refer you to the man himself for further details. Adam, meanwhile, moves sedately to his 50 and reaches it 2 or 3 times, accompanied by snores from Gully in the scorebox. Dave H biffs a few before, thankfully, time is called with our score somewhere around 170. A famous umpire of yore used to declare at stumps “And that, gentlemen, concludes the entertainment for the day” – I cannot bring myself to echo his sentiments.

In revenge for not having a proper game, we confiscate their scorebook and refuse to return it unless they come to the pub………..but, on second thoughts, do we want them to come to the pub?
And anyway, Adam’s jug goes much further without them.

French glossary:

Plonker = plonqueur