Bartholomew’s v The Rest of the World, July 9th 2006-08-22

A momentous occasion: the Official Opening of School Piece, after years of struggle that, I can reliably inform you, would put to shame the architects of the Pyramids. (Well, Eynsham folk do have a tendency to exaggeration – apparently, there used to be a huge Abbey here……) Nevertheless, the achievement does merit celebration. And so, On July 9th 2006, School Piece is officially opened. The sky is blue, although the wind is severe (of which more later), and there is to be a Cornucopia of Cricket. There are Youth matches in the morning, there is Kwik Cricket in the afternoon; there are to be Speeches. There is rumoured to be a Barbecue and Disco….and, of course, in honour of the occasion, a small TV is provided for “later on”.

The Main Event, naturally, is a Match involving 22 (approx.) of Eynsham’s finest, under the titles of “Bartholomew School Past and Present”, and “The Rest of the World”. The latter is, as you will guess, largely made up of your usual Sunday suspects – Solly, Macca, Wislon the seemingly permanent “stand-in” Skipper, etc. etc. I think JW wins the toss, though “arrangements” are not unknown on these occasions – anyway, Bart’s are to bat. Immediately, Macca strikes: Ghazali fences at a sharp away-swinger, and Els mops up gleefully at first slip. Is this our quickest breakthrough ever? Who knows. Of course there is a drawback: we get to see Grouty rather sooner than we (and he) might expect………

With fielders’ fingers twitching, Macca hostile and Micky bowling his left-armers on a sixpence, Hassan soon becomes becalmed. Macca bowls a second maiden and ties Grouty down; then Solly bowls a couple of wides (bowling into the wind is a very hazardous occupation), Graham snicks him for 4 and the spell is broken. We need him out pdq, and he nearly obliges a few times, lofting the ball into spaces where John, regrettably, neglects to post a fielder. But all the while Mr. Wells rattles on, seeing off Macca and surviving a pair of testing overs from Khan. Before we know it, in the immortal words of our Skipper, “e’s snicked his way to fifty”, and, by the time Khan bowls Hassan, Bart’s are on 81 (Hassan managing only 6 scoring strokes in 16 overs, such is Grouty’s dominance).

Enter Frank (and, on cue, enter Christian, our only Barts “ringer” to join our hard-pressed ranks). A slow starter this season, Mr. D takes a dozen balls to get off the mark, but meanwhile Burnie finds the edge of Grouty’s bat a time or two more, and of course more boundaries are the result. Fielding at fine leg, I suggest to the Skipper that I switch across to third man, where the ball keeps going, but the wind by now is so loud in the trees that he has no chance of hearing me…….Grouty, stance more crouched than the upright Frank, continues to belt the ball hard. More shots go airborne: there are near-sixes aplenty, though he never quite reaches the maximum, nor, sadly for us, hits one close enough for a fielder to get a sniff of a catch. Frank, in contrast, is not one to hit the ball in the air, and his knock progresses in a more stately manner, giving us the occasional breather. Grouty no longer does dot balls - until he nears the ton, when his progress becomes positively slug-like. Christian bowls a tight spell, and Grouty takes 8 balls to get from 97 to 100: 5 dots and 3 scampered singles; he promptly retires to loud applause. (This, plus the roaring wind, probably means he doesn’t hear our not-so-genial Skipper’s appraisal of his second 50, but I seem to recall the word “edge” brought into use, alongside a couple of words beginning with the letter “b”). Makes Boycott seem quite affable, does our Skip.

Does Mr. Wells’ departure mean respite for the Rest? Don’t be silly: Sam is short on batting recently and is looking to make someone pay for his enforced lay-off. It’s unlucky that that “someone” happens to be us. John tries the Secretary’s gentle trundlers; Burnie makes a superhuman effort at square leg to catch Sam (a classic misunderstanding, this – Burnie, assuming it to be the end of the over, walks in off the boundary and chats to the square leg umpire; the bowler, assuming Burnie intends to field in closer, moves in to bowl; Burnie, suddenly realizing the over is not done, rushes backwards to his rightful position, but, before he can get there, Sam hits ball just over his head. Much cap-throwing and stamping ensues: “D’you wanna borrow my cap, Martin?” asks Frank considerately. The Secretary’s response is not recorded.

Still, our spirits remain high. The Skipper displays Ronaldino-esque talents at deep mid-off, whilst Els and Burnie compete keenly in the “Change The Fielders” stakes. Meantime, Sam is a Man with a Mission – which appears to be to score a fifty as quickly as possible. We confine him to just the one six and 5 fours, and Frank to just 4 boundaries. No wonder Frank, coming in at tea, looks hot and bothered – and no doubt his botheration rate does not improve when a glance at the scorebook shows he is only 1 short of his half-century.

So, Barts close on 244 (apparently, of which, again, more later………), and we all repair to tea. “Tea?” you say. Someone (all right, Jackie and a cast of thousands, I presume) has raided every baker’s, delicatessen and fruiterer’s in West Oxfordshire and turned the results into what Burnie, not a man prone to exaggeration, asserts is “the greatest cricket tea of all time”. Personally I think he understates the case. There are dips, cheeses from several counties, fruit puddings, pates, and, of course, cakes – cakes to die for, as the modern folk say. Stocks for miles around will be depleted for several weeks, I fear. There are flans, pastries, strawberries and cream, and good strong tea. And by golly do we need it. Windswept, run ragged and generally outplayed, we launch ourselves at it. In consuming tea, I think we can compete on equal terms with Barts.

Thus fortified, John plans his batting order. Micky is to get his long-awaited promotion, but it is Els & Nigel who stride out first. Barts Skipper Sam unleashes an unexpected strategy, opening with the twirls of Messrs. Sutton and Green. Els looks perplexed, evidently expecting something a bit quicker. He guides the first ball ‘tween keeper and slip, and walks into the fifth, which, turning malevolently, castles him - a classic example of the “ball-on-a rope” technique made famous by another spinner whose fondness for a fag and a doze are legendary. At the other end, “toss ‘em up” Daisy is sumptuously driven for four by our Skipper, and Nigel helps himself as well. But Muzza pins John on the back foot; the entire side appeals, and John is plumb lb, even on a Sunday. Daisy gets Gibbo to send a catch to Hassan, who doesn’t drop many,, and the ambitious Micky is, frankly, not comfortable against spin: Dave H soon stumps him by the proverbial half a length of a pitch. 36 for 4 and drowning, I fear. But Matty Lake and Khan have other ideas. Matty, fresh (if that’s the word) from an unbeaten 33 in the morning’s Under-13 victory, plays hesitantly at first, then starts to feed on Phil Brown’s special “occasional” leg-spin (so-called, I’m advised, because he’s only allowed to bring it out on special occasions). Matty smacks him for three, and, spotting Phil’s attempted flipper, follows up with his first boundary. Khan treats Sam’s teasers with the same disrespect, and the stand is progressing so serenely – Khan now has seven fours to his name - that the Skipper has to resort for the first time to something a bit pacier. Chris Clark settles into a line straightaway and bowls one too straight for Khan, and we are in the mire again at 74 for 5.

Now, in what the Radio 3 announcers would call “a change to the advertised programme”, Jones Senior enters the lists, bristling “I’ll show ‘em” – and show ‘em he does, albeit briefly. He stoutly defends (or misses) half-a dozen balls, while Matty adds to Sam’s woes with another four. Next, he smites a lusty blow off Chris but is deceived into spooning a catch to his jubilant son the very next ball and retires beaming, Buddha-like. 83 for 6 and in dire need of a pair of strong paddles………

Macca strikes a defiant four to see the 100 up, before the admirable accuracy of Master Clarke does for him; the crowd, both disappointed and relieved, remove their safety hats. Burnie strides in purposefully and slams a four of Umer, now unleashed by Sam, no more Mr. Nice Guy. They run fiercely (do I see Matt, of course the senior partner and well into the twenties, stroll down the wicket to urge some caution?), but Umer finds his line and Grouty takes a simple catch to finish Matty’s marathon knock. But The Rest of the World are not finished yet, certainly not Banti, who gives Umer some serious “tap”, bashing four quality boundaries. He looks a little clever for a standard no.10, and our spirits rise. Umer is “rested” as the 150 is reached. Now Sam plays a last, crucial, card. He throws the ball to Hassan and sets up a couple of slips. Hassan charges in and Burnie gets a belter; Muzza does not pass up the opportunity to take the catch and send an old mate on his way. No slips are needed for hHassan’s last ball, which sends Banti’s leg stump on a dance. 153 for 10, now - the end? Not quite, Owing to the spontaneous insertion of Jones Senior, we bat all the way down to no. 12, where Christian patiently awaits the call.

So begins a somewhat surreal climax to the match. The scoreboard says we have 194 to beat, and a dozen overs to do it in. The actual Bartholomew total is around 240 (see scorecard), but somehow the batsmen appear to be unaware of that minor detail. Christian is a fair bat, and the Secretary is always up for a scrap. Of course, Frank is immediately detailed to finish off his son, and bowls a very respectable over which contains only two wides. At the other end, Muzza returns. It is very regrettable, therefore, that Christian does not treat Frank with the appropriate filial respect, and in fact, canes him for three and four off successive balls. Frank retires, ignoring some pointed comments from his “colleagues”, with a look on his face which bodes ill for young Christian later, I fear. On the other hand, it must be said that he does not get the fielding back-up that a spinner of his experience and guile deserve…….

Christian coasts on. And, with the aid of some more “friendly fielding” – a bit like “friendly fire”, you might say, we start to approach the “target” shown on the board. I wonder if some more application should be shown by Barts…….but all becomes apparent when Christian scores the “winning” runs and Sam politely informs us that we need another 50 to win “properly” – and about 2 overs to do it in. He and Harris might attempt it, but it is all too much for the Secretary, who pushes back a tame c&b for Skipper Sam to complete the day’s entertainment. Checking the scorecard afterwards, I note that the 11th wicket partnership realizes exactly 50, which must be some sort of club record… .and there is still some tea left.

M Hughes

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