(This report is dedicated to “Mr. Fix-it” Sutton, without whom none of the action described below would have been necessary (sorry, possible)
Another Sunday, another unfulfilled fixture. As 2 o’clock, 2.15 and 2.30 pass without any sign of Upper Heyford, I begin to wonder if my reports this year have been so scurrilous that potential opponents have said “We’re not playing Eynsham, they say rude things about us on their Website”. On top of that, no-one has the pavilion keys and we are 1 man over the required number – catastrophes! Eventually, after several mobile ‘phone calls (rousing both Muzza and Els from doubtless well-earned slumbers), we gather that UH have arranged another home fixture. There is a bit of muttering on the lines of “Things can’t go on like this” and “In the old days, we used to make sides sign binding contracts and fine them if they were ten minutes late, grumble grumble” and various theories are advanced as to how this double-booking comes about. Our only conclusion is that we shall have a better (and bigger) tea than Heyford. (Later, enquiries of the Hon. Fixture Sec., even when backed up with offers of beer to loosen the tongue, elicit no more than a terse ”I messed up”. A number - approx. 1 and a half - of the Sunday team are demanding reductions in their subs. Meanwhile, on with the cricket………….
Luckily, Muzza is on hand to Organize us. (2 of our merry 12 decline to take up arms against their own.) So he fixes (sorry, creates) a double-wicket competition with the following pairs (in batting order): Head & Ben, Ads & Andrew, Dave & Micky, Junior & Gully, and John W. & Martin. Somewhere the word “sticks” comes into this, but as someone who has never visited a Test Ground north of Trent Bridge, I fail to grasp the full meaning of this evidently Northern usage.
Head & Ben duly kick off, with Liz & Murray officiating. In Murray’s case this includes scoring, calling out bowling changes and acting as Field Manager. Naturally this leaves little time for umpiring, so all our appeals are ignored. At the other end, Liz calls some controversial wides with all the authority of Dickie Bird, but has no opportunity to raise her finger as the 2 batsmen make merry. The fielding, despite Murray’s attempts to organize us, is a bit haphazard. Micky nearly gets under 3 deep catches in 1 over, but lots of other lofted shots fall short of the field. Head is particularly brutal, hitting the day’s first six. Not until the slow men come on are the pair tempted into indiscretion. John W spins one “this far” (arms outstretched in traditional angler’s fashion), then concentrates on line ‘n’ length & snaffles Ben, while Head tries to smash a second six but fails to spot one of Hughes’s straight ones & is bowled. 58 runs (with 8 4s and that 6) with 2 outs makes a net 48. It’s a good start, and may prove a winner, though there are some handy pairings to follow.
Duds & Andrew now enter the fray. The pitch, which we have been warned is apt to do Unpredictable things (“Stuff was flying about all over the place yesterday” says Adam casually), and Andrew gets a couple of shooters early on, one of which certainly bounces – if that’s the correct word - more than once. This kind of lowers their sights, and they only manage 5 4s and a beautiful straight 6 from Adam (possibly aimed as a catch to the President & his partner, who have come to survey the scene (“I’m sorry, we’ve just come from a barbecue so we can’t eat Upper Heyford’s share of the tea” they confess) The pair would have got a bit closer to the leading score but for a controversial lbw decision against Adam, upheld by none other than his partner Liz, now brimming with confidence after a few more wide calls & a dramatic six signal. As she tells me later, “The ball was absolutely definitively and certainly probably going to hit leg-stump, and, when John Wilson joined in the appeal from deep extra cover, that clinched it!” Adam’s protestation that he is halfway down the pitch as the ball hits him is to no avail, and the usual 5 runs are docked. What with Andrew’s unfortunate dismissals, this leaves the pair on a net 25 – 50 runs but 5 outs.
At this point drinks are offfered but declined by the new pair as they wish to crack on before the beating sun makes the pitch even more hazardous……..we set the field in for Micky & out for Dave H., and Micky unleashes a couple of drives that make us think again. “Not reverse sweeping today, Harris?” enquires Martin, tossing up a gentle one outside off-stump – “No, a bit early in the innings I think” replies Mr. H”. Indeed his & Micky’s canny caution brings them to within 2 of the lead score, but they cannot pass it in the final over, which I think is bowled by John and includes a unique delivery bowled (as far as I can tell) through his hat, which he is wearing throughout. The old jokes come out about how we knew he could talk through it but not bowl through it, and umpire Liz forgets to call a no-ball, being temporarily prone with hysteria. 46 scored with only 1 out makes the final aggregate 41.
At last the umpires revolt. “Drinks!” they cry, and rush off. I am not sure what it is exactly that they consume, but shortly afterwards both are seen lying down on the job, as it were. The rest of us have to make do with the usual performance-enhancing orange squash – though I am never sure what it is that John keeps in his siphonarium………..now it is the turn of Sam “Junior” Jones and Gully to see if they can challenge the lead of Head & Ben. The first boundary comes early, and Sam looks in good nick again, but the bowlers & fielders (especially Ben & Head) are refreshed and keep the runs down to ones and twos for a while. They reach the mid-30s but then lose a couple of wickets (I fear the successful bowlers’ names are not recorded, but certainly Micky takes a stunner of a caught-and-bowled). However, the pair end with a flourish, Gully smashing some unfortunate trundler miles over long-off for 6 (his first-ever, it’s alleged), and Sam plundering 2 boundaries in the last over. With 56 runs and 2 outs, they are close, but no cigar.
Finally, half-starved, after a Hard Day in the Field, and on a pitch by now resembling Galle or Calcutta on the 5th day of a Test, Messrs. Wislon (sic) and Hughes stride out for the 5th and final partnership. How old-fashioned, just like when there used to be 5-match Test series and 5-Act plays. But no, this is 4-ball, 7-over, new-fangled double-wicketmania, and we have to thank Muzza for making it at all possible. And we (at least John & Martin) have to thank him for his prone attitude during John’s first ball, which he spoons up what would be a sitter of a catch except that Sam J. cannot get to it without treading on Umpire Sutton’s midriff (which, understandably, he’s reluctant to do).
But now confusion follows confusion. Andrew deceives (and gets the sort of bounce he had to face earlier); Ben bamboozles. The batsmen lose 2 early wickets (John really shouldn’t try to cut shooters) and struggle to get out of “minus” mode throughout their stay. Adam nearly stumps Martin about 5 times. John’s “How do you think we should play this, Martin?” - after 3 “overs” when they are minus 1 – is one of cricket’s unanswerable questions. Near the end, both strike defiant boundaries, and Muzza’s scorecard finally creaks into “plus” mode; but the pair have only 7 to their name when Stumps are called. Head & Ben are the Winners!!!
Then the fun begins. A few spectators (Macca, Tim Bowles - (whose son has kept unfussily throughout -, and the President & partner) are ordered in to make the tea-room look more than half-empty, and we do our best to do justice to Adam & Liz’s tea. There are even beef-and-horseradish sandwiches. For some reason the tea (liquid) is somewhat grey in clolour. Eventually we discover that someone has been collecting dust from the pitch and putting it in the teapot………..but the culprit will no doubt escape justice.